My Elderly Mother Does Not Like Living With Me

Caregiving For The Elderly - In Your Own Home

I can only imagine what it would be like to live with me. I would not be as nice as my Mom has been to me.

The reason she has to live here is because I am the legal guardian and conservator to a non-minor (my mother). I am my mother's caregiver and my goal is to look out for her best interests daily, however, I am sure she would tell you differently.

The reason my mother lives with me is this: While addicted to drugs herself, she was in the ICU for the 3rd time in a few months and while living with my drug-addicted brother. The ICU doctor made it evident that she was not going to go back into that situation and that she either had to now live with another willing family member or be placed in a state institution (elderly home). I made it clear she would be coming home with us.

It is evident that she does not like living with me. She has said so to my brother and other family members and she has made it abundantly clear to me. I don't blame her for feeling this way because she has had many changes in her life recently.

My Dad died July 9, 2008 and that was shocking to my Mom. My parents were married 55 years shortly before my Dad's death. My Mom describes her decline as 'not taking care of herself' because of her husband's death. She has been an addict as long as I have known her (alcoholic) and she started abusing narcotics about 5-1/2 years ago.

At 76, my Mom has gone through two detox processes in our home. I am and always have been more than willing to care for my mother's needs, despite her addictions. Fast forward to now.

Now my Mom uses any opportunity she can to make it clear that she does not like living in our home. She gives me the silent treatment, doesn't talk with my kids much and shows a general disdain for the household & family. It is really getting old.

Everyone tells me it will get better and even that it has to get worse before it gets better. Hmm...I am wondering how this advice is a)helpful or b)true at this point. It has gotten worse and I don't see it getting better until she has 'her way'. She even told me, in front of my husband, "You're going to be sorry". Yeah well, she is right on that point for sure!

Elderly Health Care for an Addict

Caregiving for the Elderly Addict

My elderly mother moved in with my husband and me and our kids in December 2008. When she did, there came many changes in what we are used to in our family, including Medicare and a slew of doctors and medical things and even detox, twice.

Today I transferred her 14 prescriptions from a Rite Aid pharmacy to a Kroger pharmacy. By doing this, I hope to save a lot of money. For instance, one prescription of Lyrica was $138.48 at Rite Aid, and that was after repeated attempts to file through Medicare and AARP supplemental insurance coverage. We shall see what the savings is with Kroger.

The other night, my Mom had to go to the emergency room with what we thought may have been a spider bite. She had severe pain emanating from her big toe. It was dark red then purplish and swelling up to her ankle. The ER doctor dismissed the bite concept and said it was either gout or an infection. He did not do an x-ray or bloodwork (in fact, no testing whatsoever) but sent her home with a shot and pain pills, even though she's an addict, (She has had severe problems with recent detox and is elderly so she is even more affected by narcotics).

We left the ER with the ER doctor's narcotics prescription. We went to a 24-hour CVS to fill the prescription. I provided my Mom's Medicare insurance information and AARP supplemental prescription coverage card when filling the prescriptions., as always The pharmacist incorrectly thought that her ss number was on the front of the Medicare card. When that was cleared up, the claim went through correctly and the two prescriptions were very cheap; one was $3.18 and the other was $3.42 - I was impressed.

We followed up with an appointment to her PCP (Primary Care Physician) the next day. He did an x-ray and said there was a swelling on her bone. I saw the x-ray and it was clearly evident. He said she has arthritis at 76, out of nowhere. So he said to prop her foot up when she is seated and soak her foot 3x's/day and that's it, no more. She should stop the pain pills right away that the ER doctor prescribed, due to her dependence problem (thank you). Her foot looks awful and this is from following the 'doctor's orders'. Ha!

I am surprised that with my age of 33, my Mom would have moved in with my family and I would have been learning so much about elderly health care. I have had to do so out of necessity. Needless to say, we had to take her off of the pain pills and 'trick' her into thinking she was taking them still. We have had to do this other times with different types of pills. Now she is taking prescription ibuprofen instead of Lortab. I am sure she knows the difference but a big white pill that is new is better than nothing. It is just so pitifully sad. I feel awful that she is in pain but if she starts on a narcotic now she will be on a downward spiral, her doctor said. He also said that the Lortab will do her absolutely no good so I do not feel so badly about that part. We are actually doing good and doing her some 'elderly health care' at the same time, in a way. Ack. It's so messed up.

SLM 6.12.09

I Feel Too Young to Have My Mom Living With Me

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Yum, my coffee tastes so good today.

I love my Mom, otherwise I would be what the courts describe as one of those uncaring people that does not want their elderly parents and just lets them go to the system, basically. It's more than just that I love her, I am morally obligated to care for her and I have a responsibility to care for her in her advancing years as well. She made the choice not to care for herself, although she could do so, because she has addiction problems. She decided she wanted to take too many pills and the court decided she will live with me and my family now instead of in her own home with my brother leeching off of her.

My Mom is not happy with this choice and she does not like others making choices for her; I do not blame my Mom for that and it does strip her of a measure of her dignity. However, she did hand some of that over when she took those pills and landed herself in the ICU on three occasions. The brother of mine that lives in my Mom's house was supposed to be caring for her but had her addicted to pills, among them methadone, which he was also addicted to. Why? For his sole benefit, I can only imagine. I lost a huge chunk of respect for him and I don't know how he could expect to gain that back. Now he finds himself in a home upside down in a pointless loan (in his parents' name and as her guardian I am not paying any more on it - my father died in July ) and he has to get out and really live on his own and be responsible for once and he's 44 years old. He's his own business owner and scared about the economy and just found out he's diabetic and he's overweight. He is scared and I feel for him because he's my brother but he also has to make his own way.

My husband is bending over backwards trying to help my brother out and I am trying to help him lose weight and with his diabetes. He lives out of state and I don't think he's going to take care of himself because he's never shown signs of it before; he procrastinates and just has a whole slew of problems that I don't want to get into.

Anyway, I am one of four of my Mom's kids, the youngest, and she lives with me now. I am not bitter but I feel young to have an elderly person in my home, I don't know, it just feels strange. It does transform a life to be a caregiver. I don't do anything at night or on the weekends anyway, I wouldn't say, not socially anyway. I used to before my big falling out with my one friend when we took our trip to Tennessee with our kids. Now our stuff is limited bigtime.

I recently met a friend who has one child who hangs out with my kids; in fact her kid is over at our house today. Her kid is polite to adults and actually brilliant, a violin player and all that, likable. I like my new friend and her husband and my husband likes them too, so it is a family friendship, which I would say is rare. It is a nice friendship because finally, for once, I do not have to do all of the work. I can FINALLY say what I mean without being a shy sheep and I don't have to apologize constantly for basically being who I am. I even told her how refreshing it is to be around someone I can come out of my shell with, joke with, be normal with. Normal for me is bizarre, weird, funny, loud, talkative, interruptive, annoying, just plain dumb sometimes.

Right now, Bugles and a Cape Cod drink are definitely yummy; just a good combo. I just searched the vodka and cranberry combo and found out that it what it is called.

Today I learned that my kids' friend broke one of their newest toys. Their friend threw the toy down on the concrete outside and it chipped the toy in several places. When the kids showed it to me, I told them to confront their friend. They did and their friend promptly denied it. I then asked the kids what their friend said and they told me what happened so I told them they will now need to confront their friend's parents. To me, they need to learn a lesson by dealing with issues involving their own belongings and appreciation of such. It is a pain having a kid over who is rough, bordering violent on occasion, with the kids' things.

Back to the stuff with my Mom; she is depressed most of the time. She said she needs time to deal with the fact that she's losing her house. The house is worth nothing and she does not need anything from the house. But she is by default a negative and depressed person. I feel very badly for her because she is very dear and she has led a good, long life. She can be a loving person and is very loved by many people.

I want to continue to show a loving attitude toward her and show respect to her. I want to show respect to my husband and love to him and my Mom will see how much I love him. Even though I am young, I can handle her living here with our family and I think she will be happy being here, living with us.